This is my attempt at being uncensored about the things I am thinking about. The first time I blogged was in friendster. I am sure there were a lot of things i would have wanted to say (and i still d0) but never got the guts to write them down because there a lot of readers who might say something to somebody and that somebody might get hurt or will learn the truth. this is my new one and i am sure there wont be people here...so, lets try and see what i may be saying here in the future. for now, this is just it. I Am FREAKIN TIRED . . .
this isnt the life i imagined myself living: afraid of that things may happen because of my diabetes. afraid for my Alexa who will grow up without me. afraid that things are not working out in my marriage. afraid for the future and the unknown things it might hold and yet still afraid to do anything about it because it just might not work anyway and all my efforts will go to waste.
it seems that there really ARE a LOT of things to be afraid of... how do people manage to get by all these fears? i am sure, im not the only one with these kinds of fears, though. its just nerve wracking thinking about all the possible combinations of a life you and your family might live.
when we are younger we always have ideas about what our OWN family lives would be like and this is not what i envisioned mine. i always thought that i would be the caring wife and mom but it seems its not working out as planned (as evidenced by the way my husband is treating me now). i always thought it would come naturally since i had to take care of my siblings at a very young age and i always thought i did well by them except for the occasional times when i raised my hand at them. now i know why they call me maisog. i lack what americans market as the most desired feeling in a person: COMPASSION.
once when i was telling mama about my philosophy in life "Life is hard, you have to deal with it and roll with the punches" . she told me that it isnt always good to be so laid back about something and just deal with what life gives you and at that time, i (as always) contradicted her by saying that this is how i dealt with things and it worked for me just fine. but, sometimes i feel that i am too detached from the world. i am sure it has to do with being taught about independence at a young age, as well as having to go through a lot of maturing in my elementary years and this has gotten me through a lot of tough times.
now that i am a mom, i feel that my daughter shuns me and chooses her father because i dont have the capacity to care deeply for others (aside from the fact that her father lets her get her way). this detachment that was an asset to me before has become my disability. my husband complains about this time and time again, asking me if i dont think that all the hardwork he does is proof of his love. it has kept me from feeling for others and has made me the rock hard person that i am.
exceptions to this may just be the movies that i watch. i have cried over a lot of movies and tv shows. maybe because in my unconscious i know that movies and shows have endings...they may become happy in the end or they still end up unhappy or hurt but surely the movie/ show will end and so will the pain.
how does one learn compassion? maybe i should search google or maybe ask an elder. but, im sure even if i learn this, will i really be able to practice it?
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