I envy people who have it all made for them either by their status in the community, the depth of their pockets, the family they were born into, etc. its seems they have it all or maybe they have A LOT and all they have to do is just prove themselves worthy of what they were born into.
it was stronger in the elementary years when you were surrounded by a classroom full of kids who got everything they needed and more. when on the first day of school, everything you had that was new was cheapened by the things that they had which were shinier, glitzier, hi tech. when they brought out the newest sweet valey novel or the latest archie comics, when they took out from their even bigger and fancier bags, the newest toy which would be "IN" throughout the whole school for days on end. and i could go on about their shoes, acccessories, blah blah blah.
in the corporate setting, people who know people or people who know "your" people will definitely have be a big plus for you. i also know people who just stay at home and do nothing after graduation. they simply have no need to work.
i envy them. even at the get go, i have had to work for what i needed. we were only bought new shoes, maybe a change of clothes and stuff at christmastime and the things we got were usually "useful" things for school, no fancy toys, books or clothes. and even for those things, i felt, we had to be worthy to be given those gifts. we were given extra if we did well in school (which wasnt often for me).
all my life, it feels that i am working for something, for someone. which may be the reason why i value free time and extra cash.
i dont regret my life, the family i was born into, the work i have to do (in lucid times, i know how blessed i am with what i have), but sometimes, i wish that life is already "made" for me, to be carefree. it would be fun to walk in the shoes of somebody who had all the resources to work with and all she has to worry is how she looks, how to hone creativity, how to find new things to learn, where to go to next for recreation, just bond with people she loves, practice the art of socialization and small talk and the list goes on forever....
trying to be uncensored
my private online diary
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
today while bathing (after relgating the care of alexa to her auntie), i was thinking about self-definition. i wonder, should people really be defined by something or someone? my memory is somewhat confused with all the books, magazines ive read and the movies ive watched. i cant seem to remember if being defined by something or someone is good or bad.
at my age and this point in my life, it seems to be the most important question. what with karl jung or whoever saying that this stage in life its all about achievement (or i may have to brush up on my psych). this always comes up in my alone time especially while bathing (my only free time).
a high school classmate who works abroad posted on FB that "the world is like an open book and that staying in one place is not good, so and so". i forgot the exact words but it was something like that. are people supposed to be defined by where they have gone to? there seems to be this big quest to get the furthest away from home and/or travel to as many places here and abroad and/or to work further away from this country. does this mean that since i have lived here all my life, work here, established my family and will probaly die here in Palo, that i am the biggest loser (so to speak), that i have gained nothing in all my 28 years and that my life amounts to nothing? i am not sure.
before, i used to have this theory that people who went away and stayed away from their families had something they were running away from. i am not sure about this either but, i have friends and relatives who have gone from their families for this reason. in my case, i love i here in palo, i can forego all the negative aspects of living here (mga chismosa na townmates, no malls, no taxis, meager paychecks, etc) for the good stuff. i have also gone and tried it out some place else but i knew ultimately, this is where i wanna go home to.
maybe, we are measured by what we become eventually, our profession, our title, our role in the community. but then, i know of a college teacher who was never known to be the most flamboyant, fashionable and glamorous teacher, but, she is more liked by a lot of people, particularly her students and peers, whom she encourages to treat her as an equal. Yet, she is that and more still.
lulugar lulugar, sering pa hit mga kabayotan. hain ba kita hine lulugar? where do we seek validation? hahahha . . . maybe its just that, i am seeking validation that what i am doing is okay. where do we go for that? in my head, i know mama will say that the answer is obvious: God.
at my age and this point in my life, it seems to be the most important question. what with karl jung or whoever saying that this stage in life its all about achievement (or i may have to brush up on my psych). this always comes up in my alone time especially while bathing (my only free time).
a high school classmate who works abroad posted on FB that "the world is like an open book and that staying in one place is not good, so and so". i forgot the exact words but it was something like that. are people supposed to be defined by where they have gone to? there seems to be this big quest to get the furthest away from home and/or travel to as many places here and abroad and/or to work further away from this country. does this mean that since i have lived here all my life, work here, established my family and will probaly die here in Palo, that i am the biggest loser (so to speak), that i have gained nothing in all my 28 years and that my life amounts to nothing? i am not sure.
before, i used to have this theory that people who went away and stayed away from their families had something they were running away from. i am not sure about this either but, i have friends and relatives who have gone from their families for this reason. in my case, i love i here in palo, i can forego all the negative aspects of living here (mga chismosa na townmates, no malls, no taxis, meager paychecks, etc) for the good stuff. i have also gone and tried it out some place else but i knew ultimately, this is where i wanna go home to.
maybe, we are measured by what we become eventually, our profession, our title, our role in the community. but then, i know of a college teacher who was never known to be the most flamboyant, fashionable and glamorous teacher, but, she is more liked by a lot of people, particularly her students and peers, whom she encourages to treat her as an equal. Yet, she is that and more still.
lulugar lulugar, sering pa hit mga kabayotan. hain ba kita hine lulugar? where do we seek validation? hahahha . . . maybe its just that, i am seeking validation that what i am doing is okay. where do we go for that? in my head, i know mama will say that the answer is obvious: God.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
the uncaring person
This is my attempt at being uncensored about the things I am thinking about. The first time I blogged was in friendster. I am sure there were a lot of things i would have wanted to say (and i still d0) but never got the guts to write them down because there a lot of readers who might say something to somebody and that somebody might get hurt or will learn the truth. this is my new one and i am sure there wont be people here...so, lets try and see what i may be saying here in the future. for now, this is just it. I Am FREAKIN TIRED . . .
this isnt the life i imagined myself living: afraid of that things may happen because of my diabetes. afraid for my Alexa who will grow up without me. afraid that things are not working out in my marriage. afraid for the future and the unknown things it might hold and yet still afraid to do anything about it because it just might not work anyway and all my efforts will go to waste.
it seems that there really ARE a LOT of things to be afraid of... how do people manage to get by all these fears? i am sure, im not the only one with these kinds of fears, though. its just nerve wracking thinking about all the possible combinations of a life you and your family might live.
when we are younger we always have ideas about what our OWN family lives would be like and this is not what i envisioned mine. i always thought that i would be the caring wife and mom but it seems its not working out as planned (as evidenced by the way my husband is treating me now). i always thought it would come naturally since i had to take care of my siblings at a very young age and i always thought i did well by them except for the occasional times when i raised my hand at them. now i know why they call me maisog. i lack what americans market as the most desired feeling in a person: COMPASSION.
once when i was telling mama about my philosophy in life "Life is hard, you have to deal with it and roll with the punches" . she told me that it isnt always good to be so laid back about something and just deal with what life gives you and at that time, i (as always) contradicted her by saying that this is how i dealt with things and it worked for me just fine. but, sometimes i feel that i am too detached from the world. i am sure it has to do with being taught about independence at a young age, as well as having to go through a lot of maturing in my elementary years and this has gotten me through a lot of tough times.
now that i am a mom, i feel that my daughter shuns me and chooses her father because i dont have the capacity to care deeply for others (aside from the fact that her father lets her get her way). this detachment that was an asset to me before has become my disability. my husband complains about this time and time again, asking me if i dont think that all the hardwork he does is proof of his love. it has kept me from feeling for others and has made me the rock hard person that i am.
exceptions to this may just be the movies that i watch. i have cried over a lot of movies and tv shows. maybe because in my unconscious i know that movies and shows have endings...they may become happy in the end or they still end up unhappy or hurt but surely the movie/ show will end and so will the pain.
how does one learn compassion? maybe i should search google or maybe ask an elder. but, im sure even if i learn this, will i really be able to practice it?
this isnt the life i imagined myself living: afraid of that things may happen because of my diabetes. afraid for my Alexa who will grow up without me. afraid that things are not working out in my marriage. afraid for the future and the unknown things it might hold and yet still afraid to do anything about it because it just might not work anyway and all my efforts will go to waste.
it seems that there really ARE a LOT of things to be afraid of... how do people manage to get by all these fears? i am sure, im not the only one with these kinds of fears, though. its just nerve wracking thinking about all the possible combinations of a life you and your family might live.
when we are younger we always have ideas about what our OWN family lives would be like and this is not what i envisioned mine. i always thought that i would be the caring wife and mom but it seems its not working out as planned (as evidenced by the way my husband is treating me now). i always thought it would come naturally since i had to take care of my siblings at a very young age and i always thought i did well by them except for the occasional times when i raised my hand at them. now i know why they call me maisog. i lack what americans market as the most desired feeling in a person: COMPASSION.
once when i was telling mama about my philosophy in life "Life is hard, you have to deal with it and roll with the punches" . she told me that it isnt always good to be so laid back about something and just deal with what life gives you and at that time, i (as always) contradicted her by saying that this is how i dealt with things and it worked for me just fine. but, sometimes i feel that i am too detached from the world. i am sure it has to do with being taught about independence at a young age, as well as having to go through a lot of maturing in my elementary years and this has gotten me through a lot of tough times.
now that i am a mom, i feel that my daughter shuns me and chooses her father because i dont have the capacity to care deeply for others (aside from the fact that her father lets her get her way). this detachment that was an asset to me before has become my disability. my husband complains about this time and time again, asking me if i dont think that all the hardwork he does is proof of his love. it has kept me from feeling for others and has made me the rock hard person that i am.
exceptions to this may just be the movies that i watch. i have cried over a lot of movies and tv shows. maybe because in my unconscious i know that movies and shows have endings...they may become happy in the end or they still end up unhappy or hurt but surely the movie/ show will end and so will the pain.
how does one learn compassion? maybe i should search google or maybe ask an elder. but, im sure even if i learn this, will i really be able to practice it?
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